My list of Puerto Vallarta

Things i found wash up from the beach:
Some stank ass poky fish
Random Flip Flop
A boot

Things I don't like about resorts:
The 90s Florida furniture
The feeling of colonialism
All the locals peering at me wanting me to buy their crap
Cheap unoriginal newlyweds
People who think it's a good idea to get their hair braided
Their desperate attempt at getting you to participate in group activities
The horribly unattractive people

Things i like about resorts:
Open Bar
The 90s Florida furniture
People who sunglasses that have visors built in
Bars in the pool
The doiley my muesli came on

Things that were awkward:
The constant beggars
The insanely small size of the tacos
My moms constant insistence of pointing out all the American based brands - yes globalization happened

Things I realized once seeing them I don't care for:
Pictures of peoples children tattooed on their chest
Mighty Duck do-rags
Extremely pale people who can only be from the North
A light up firework display in the shape of a heart at a wedding

Things that are exciting on the PV gay beach:
The neon pink g-string on a leathery old man with bleached hair
Old men in too small of swim suits
The up charge for drinks
The street peddlers still selling female jewelry
Overly prepared gays
How many gays per square foot
The feeling of being in a zoo as the families walk by

Things i enjoy about Puerto Vallarta:
The fact that I can order a Margarita from a man named Margarito
All the hot locals playing football
My continuous drunkedness
The Cancun spill over
Cobble stone roads
All the white painted buildings

Things you can purchase on the beach:
Shrimp
Ugly ass Bracelets
Parachute G.I. Joe's
Rugs
Obnoxious hats
Sarongs
Awful dresses
Wiggly wooden animals
Flashy fish
Adorable Wind chimes
Tacky Lawn Art
Hammock Chairs - although delicious logistically a bitch to pack

Things that rocked at Gay Club Manana:
The Pinatas
The cheap fireworks that went off during the drag show
The fierce Tranny thieves
The pound of make-up the Drag queen wore
Her awful lip syncing capabilities
The Canadian in white capri's I went home with.

Things that were wonderful my other gay night out
I drunkenly discovered a bath house by accident
Mexican versions of 'Tom of Finland' painted on the walls - not as affective
I can spot a dirty old man with a local prostitute a mile away
In Los Amigos it looked like a rainbow blew up in there. Except of course when it came to the balloons. The economy must have tanked after they blew up Orange, yellow, and red - because green, purple, and blue were nowhere to be found.
Looking at a map when drunk that was more worried about air brushing the guys' abs than being accurate became quite difficult
The 'cowboys' behind the bar would have fulfilled some 'Broke Back Mountain' if they were actually hot - Don't do the theme if you can't pull it off.